It’s one thing to “want” to not have the same old problems, to feel like you can’t make headway, day after day, no matter how much you care and how hard you try. The most common challenge is that we most often want to think, believe and do the same things we always have, but with a different result.
It is normal that we mostly want to hold onto our truths and habits, and feel that other people need to change because, clearly, they are the problem. You’d think this would be easy to accept and fix in ourselves, but our neurological processes work against us. Myelination, the neuroplastic process of forming protective sheaths around the axons that enable communication between neurons, keeps us assuming what we assume, believing what we believe, thinking the way we think, and acting and reacting the way we already do.
As actions that cause those problems are repeated so that the same problems repeat and compound, many people see it as evidence that they were right, and so double-down on their beliefs and habits rather than question them. Everything that isn’t working just gets stronger. So, if you or someone you work with is a bit stubborn when it comes to letting go of old views and habits, and taking on new ones, you or they are normal.
The only way to make real change happen is to intentionally, and with great commitment, let go of the idea that what you believe and think, and how you act and react, is the only way to go about it. Too often, people have to hit rock bottom to realise that what they are doing isn’t working for them, and it is unfortunate that we are often so defensive that we need to be shaken that hard.
To start exploring what better experiences and outcomes might be possible, the first thing is to step way outside of our comfort zones. And that feels risky, like walking through a field in the dark. Each step feels weird, because it is unknown. In this way, when we soften a belief, or try something new, it feels the ground we are standing on is less stable.
Unless we have immediate success, it is natural that our confidence drops as we experience uncertainty, perhaps now wishing we were back in familiar territory. For many, that’s where they go – right back to the beliefs and habits that didn’t work, purely because they feel better, back to doubling-down on the easy path of failure.
For change to happen, we have to stick with it. We need to relish the feeling of trying and learning something new, of pushing through unfamiliarity, of feeling less competent and even out-of-our-depth for a while. The more we do it, the better we get at it, and the more we learn and progress. There is also an excellent chance we’ll enjoy better relationships and experience less stress.
As a therapist, coach, and educator, moving past stuckness so that improvement is possible is the biggest challenge. It is my experience that those who take the bold step of allowing themselves to learn and improve always progress; those who defend and justify their rut never do.
Curious to learn more? Dive deeper into the science of change.