Are You a “Too Nice” Manager?
I’ve met a lot of wonderful supervisors and managers in all sorts of different industries, and most have one thing in common – they are genuinely nice, generous, caring people. They care for the people they work for, and those they supervise. They care about customers too, and rules, compliance, P&Ls – the whole lot. They really, deeply, want to do well for and by everyone. And as great as that is, it can also be a problem. A big one.
There are two ways this selfless mindset can make life difficult.
Too hard on self
The first one is for themselves, where they are the “meat in the sandwich” between employee expectations and demands, and the organisation’s goals and rules. As dedicated people, through the sense of duty and care that often had them taking on the responsibility in the first place, they often don’t create boundaries to protect themselves and their wellbeing. No, maybe the business is 24/7, but nobody can work 24/7. And even where hours are “under control” but still long, mental and physical fatigue is inevitable. This is even more so when accompanied by an unstable diet, relationships, exercise, sleeping and eating patterns, or excesses in personal habits. The more autonomy, competence, support and control a manager feels, and the more positive their outlook, the less they are likely to feel that way – but that’s often the exception for those whose day-to-day time is mostly taken up by solving problems.
To be healthy and capable, we need to exercise our minds and bodies, then nourish them and let them rest and recover. That’s how it works. Yet those in management positions often take their work, or their work worries, home with them, so their headspace is “at work” for so many hours that fatigue, overwhelm and problem-saturation dominate their lives.
As a result, there is less energy and concentration available for work, meaning everything gets that little bit harder, things take longer, decisions aren’t quite as good, interactions aren’t quite as positive, and the mindset can become more on surviving than thriving. There’s nothing good about that. If someone is working lots of long hours, it is likely their productivity and wellbeing, at the very least, is suffering.
Soon enough, that all means they aren’t able to serve and support others in the ways and to the standards they want to, and it isn’t long before you notice their shoulders drooping, they don’t carry much energy, and almost every challenge, opportunity and person represents yet another problem. This is what burnout looks like, and its really, really hard to bounce back from.
What is the solution?
Creating personal boundaries is essential. What’s reasonable and necessary, and what is unreasonable and unnecessary? What can be changed, what can be more efficient, how can the burden of “out-of-hours” availability be shared? This is not about being lazy or selfish, although I’m sure there are some who would do that – but they probably do it already. Rather, this is about being prepared and ready to work to optimal potential when at work, and to optimise relationships, health and life generally out of work.
Too soft on others
The second problem comes from wanting to avoid the stress of difficult conversations and decisions (they have enough already as it is). How much less confrontational is it to ignore a compliance, performance or behavioural problem than have the serious conversation? How much easier is it for the relationship? Who doesn’t want to be liked, or at least not feel disliked? If things go south from that conversation, how much more stress and work is there is potentially replacing the person, or getting stuck in a bigger or longer relationship stress? Wouldn’t it be so much simpler if things resolved themselves, or the problem just went away?
This is a significant flaw in habits, but I don’t see it as a character flaw at all. I see it as really nice people wanting to feel and be seen as the really nice people they are, and to manage their stress (remember, a lot of these people are already fatigued from not creating boundaries around their time and life balance). I am more concerned about the character of those few who seem to react and escalate every time, caring more about their control and status than what’s best for others, but they are really only a few. No, these nice people are on the right track. They are just going the wrong way about it, and in my experience with high-risk occupations potentially tragically so.
Let’s say you are not performing or behaving to the standard expected at work, and I do nothing about it. Likely consequences are:
- Because you get away with it, you learn that it is OK, maybe even a right, so you should be allowed to continue with it. My lack of response condoned it, maybe normalised it.
- Because I let you get away with it, I now have to let everyone else get away with it, for fear of being seen as inconsistent or biased. This means the rule or standard, in effect, doesn’t exist.
- Because I let you get away with it, maybe you feel there are other rules or standards that don’t really apply either.
- Because I let you get away with it, you may see me as weak or stupid, or you as stronger or smarter.
- Because I let you get away with it, the higher performers who routinely perform and behave the best soon resent me for betraying them and their standards.
- Because I let you get away with it, I get the complaints from customers, senior management and regulators which I carry because I don’t want to pass it on to you for fear or confrontation.
Likely practical outcomes:
- Disregard of compliance and safety rules
- Disregard of performance or behavioural standards
- Division and conflict within the team as others jockey to fill the power gap left by my “weakness”
- Loss of best performers as they search for workplaces they can respect and feel proud of, resulting in a reduction in team quality and performance.
- Increased time, pressure and stress at work because of all of the above.
- Potential for severe loss, injury and COR penalties.
From the chances of a serious, and even-life threatening incident through non-compliance, to simple productivity and culture, the only reason for me to not have the conversation with the non-performing team member is my fear of the difficult, and potentially conflictual conversation. There is no other.
And who did I help? Not the employer, who now has a weakening culture and reduced performance. Not the best performing employees, who now resent me for being “weak”. And certainly not the problem, or the employee who now not only thinks I’m weak, but whose job (through poor performance or behaviour) or wellbeing (through unsafe or risky actions) is now at risk through my inaction. The very person I excused my inaction by thinking I was I was helping is most at risk, one way or another.
What is the solution?
Just as you set boundaries for yourself, it is vital that you set and patrol boundaries for others, and that they know those boundaries exist and are enforced. If you really care, you’ll do the hard things, including correcting, supporting and even confronting people as and when appropriate. As a manager of others deserving of respect and wellbeing, it’s your responsibility.
OK, the difficult conversation is difficult, and the poor performer won’t always thank you for it, even if it saved their job or maybe their life (although some will!). Will they thank you for not having it? Will they thank you for being soft when their wellbeing or job is threatened because of the consequences of their actions and your inaction, one way or another? Will they thank you when you are living with the stress of being responsible for their actions, acting as the buffer, or maybe trying to hide or minimise it to others? Turn empathy all the way up for sure, but don’t confuse “soft” with “kind”.
Ready to lead with both kindness and strength?
Setting and enforcing boundaries on time, effort, performance and behaviour is not about being cruel to be kind, up down or sideways. It’s about being kind to be kind, even if establishing and maintaining those boundaries gets uncomfortable from time to time.
Sometimes you’ll get it wrong, use the wrong words, upset someone, feel bad – but with the best of intentions and sincerity, there’s not much that can’t be fixed. So you can think about setting those boundaries, and having those supportive yet at times difficult conversations and why it’s not that easy, or you can just do it.
Recognise yourself or your team in the “Nice Manager Trap”? We can help you develop strategies for setting effective boundaries and fostering a high-performing, sustainable work environment.
Move beyond the paradox of the caring leader and build a truly effective team. 21 Triangles offers expert consultation to help you establish healthy boundaries and optimise your leadership approach. Contact us today.
